Am I co-dependent? Or Relational?
Relational Therapy| No Comments »“A well-based self-reliance…is usually the product of slow and unchecked growth from infancy into maturity during which, through interaction with trustworthy and encouraging others, a person learns how to combine trust in others with trust in himself.” John Bowlby, The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds
“Oliver cried lustily. If he could have known that he was an orphan , left to the tender mercies of churchwardens and overseers, perhaps he would have cried the louder.” Dickens
In the language of attachment, relational protest behavior occurs when we are separated from our attachment figures. For a child, this is most often a parent or other caregiver, and for adults, it is often our partner or a best friend. Separation anxieties and protest behaviors come in many forms. For myself, I find I feel a little down when my partner and I are separated for long periods. I feel a little uneasy or restless until we are together again. When we are together, I feel calm and settled. This is, for the most part, healthy, normal attachment behavior.
How do we sort out healthy attachment from other kinds of behaviors that are less than ideal? My partner, for instance, because of his particular attachment wound, has organized his personality around being extremely self-reliant, and sometimes has difficult accessing his ability need another, and to miss me. Because of my earlier attachment wounding, this can trigger a sense of loss in me–a feeling of abandonment. Fortunately for both of us, we are pretty aware of what is going on, and he works with his fear of being close, even as I work with my fear of separation. When he is able to be more present with me, admit to me that he has fear, then he brings himself into relational depth with me, and we become closer. When I can access my separation anxiety and fear, and state it clearly to him, I grow more secure and able to manage my own feelings.
There’s a misconception in popular psychology today about “co-dependence,” and “neediness.” According the latest scientific research, we are hard-wired for relationship–our brains are structured for social activity, and spending too much time alone can actually be harmful or damaging. We DO need others, and we can only heal and be whole in a relational context–whether that is through a friend, partner, parent, spiritual organization, or pet, it is necessary to be connected to others. It’s when we are somehow using our connections to avoid growing up or facing our own emotional pain, as a distraction, or as an excuse to indulge in a compulsion, that leads to trouble. We have to carefully sort out the complexities of owning our issues and using the other when we live in mutuality and relatedness. By doing this, we develop a sort of relational autonomy–a way of being deeply with another that helps us stay more deeply with ourselves.
We all have issues, and we all will come up against our issues within our close relationships. Our closest bonds are almost guaranteed to bring up rage and grief and anxiety and fear. When we can begin to see our own issues more clearly–our attachment wounds, our triggers, and the way that we hold our own pain, then we can begin to confront the projections we are placing on our loved ones. The more clearly I can see myself, the more clearly I can see my partner. The more I am aware of and responsible for what I am feeling, the more I am able to consciously bring it into the sphere of relatedness. Who I am, what I feel, is often a connection point in my relationship. It’s not something I just manage by myself off in my own corner. But it is connecting exactly to the degree that I am clear about what is really going on for me. In relationship, we don’t become less feeling, less human, and less dependent. In fact, when we can become clearer in our emotions, we become more of all these things. Co-dependency is a lack of clarity–it is thrusting onto another what I need to see in myself. Or becoming overly involved in another’s version of the world, and not identifying and actively working with my personal issues. Contrary to a lot of popular advice, it’s not about separation, going it alone, or otherwise isolating ourselves. It’s about consciously and wisely engaging with a partner who can interact from a place of awareness and emotional authenticity.








